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by ZYRA

When I first discovered I'd got hallucinatory mice in the house I thought about seeing a psychiatrist. But last time I did that I got prescribed Zuclopenthixol which hid any real problems I'd got by creating even more important things to worry about. This time, though, the hallucinatory mice were a nuisance because some of them were as big as cats, and they would rummage about in the dark in the house. In the end I solved the problem by a cunning technique. I set small (ordinary) mousetraps round the house baited with stale cheese. What this did was to kill all the ACTUAL, normal, cheese-eating mice. When they'd all gone, the hallucinatory mice magically disappeared soon after!

I used to be very shy. But now I've solved that. The truth is it's the other people who are more shy than I am! You can tell that, because when I walk through the centre of the crowded marketplace with a curious appearance and bright coloured hair (currently pink), the people stare but I don't need to stare back. If I did they'd look embarrassed!

I've got a problem linked to diabetes which sometimes causes me to go MAD. I don't know exactly how it happens, but the risk of it is greatly increased if I don't eat. Generally what's happened when I've gone mad is that I haven't realised it, got muddled up and started demolishing the huge stacks of books which are all over this house. But now I've solved the problem by buying a large number of bars of chocolate and placing them all round the house as if they were an emergency precaution like fire extinguishers. So now if I go mad I eat the chocolate and soon recover. My friends are quite pleased about this because now I don't phone them up in the middle of the night, tell them I'd mad, and get them to call for an ambulance!

When I first started solving the problem of my feet getting cold on cold floors I happened to be in the mental hospital. At that time they were laying a new carpet in the halls and I managed to get a large amount of carpet offcuts. Later I fashioned some pieces into sole shapes and made elasticated sandals with a carpet base. The curious thing was, when I was in hospital at a later time, one of the nurses noticed the sandal soles were precisely the same colour as the carpet! I got the witty comment "I like your carpet-slippers!". "I call them ASYLUM SNEAKERS" I replied.

Now what about the PARANOIA problem? If you've got a problem of people being out to get you, there are some things you can do about it. People whose job it is to persecute paranoids must be very busy, and it's up to you to make them have as difficult a job as possible. Always wave at security cameras, and if you know of any secret radar installations, always drop chaff, (which can easily be made by putting turkey foil through an office shredder). But most importantly, always write everything down that happens. Paranoid persecutors live on secrecy, so make a huge fuss. You should write a huge file or book about everything and tell your friends that if you ever "disappeared", the stuff should be immediately publicised all over the place. That way your "disappearance" will be prevented.

Finally, I was going to talk about solutions concerning mental hospital daycare. But I no longer have a voice in that matter. I discovered there was a widespread wasting of food there, which is of course a terrible SIN. So I stood up there in front of all the nurses and patients and made a big announcement and then I left there for the last time and walked away!

This article was originally written 1998/12/07 14:28:19 and published in Perceptions Magazine when the magazine was called "VOICES' VOICES", and the original didn't have so much direct hyperlinking in. ZYRA's page at the Perceptions Forum website can be looked at here and Zyra's own website is www.zyra.org.uk can be contacted about this and takes DAYS to explore! Oodles of stuff to look at!

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