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John Exell

I suffer from Schizophrenia. A while ago I was very suicidal, but fortunately never attempted. To me, it is still a sin to take your own life. I believe in reincarnation and if I had killed myself I would have had to come back to face the same pain until I was strong enough to conquer it or pass through it. Also many suicides fail, if I failed I would have had to spend some time in hospital doped up to my eyebrows (and beyond) or even end up with some permanent damage, which would only add to my miseries. Also the misery it caused loved ones left behind. To be honest I was also tempted to take something to alleviate the pain, to wash it completely away, such at heroin, but that would create a big hole in my pocket lead me into addiction and bad company crime, trouble with the law, etc, etc.., (Looking back on it I could have sought professional help.)

So I decided both these avenues where out. I had nothing to lose. I sat down and squarely faced my emotional and mental pain, hit it head on, let it fill me, stopped suppressing it, let it wash all over me, stopped running away from it. A whole number of emotions leapt up within me, supreme embarrassment a deep sense of failure, to name but a few, but their pain only lasted a split second. Then it was oven I felt relaxed and happy. Success did not seem so important indeed it took on a different meaning, and I was able to let go of many things that were bothering me. I had been running away from this extreme emotional pain, trying to mask it to cover it up, to nullify it for more than twenty years, and there it was over in a split second.

This led me on to look at my childhood emotional pain, something I had likewise avoided since then. I was afraid to enter into it, it seemed like Hell itself Then I realised that God, Christ and the Holy Spirit would be there with me, in the depths of Hell itself, so I entered into it. The pain hit me like waves, but that too was over in a split second I felt even more relaxed and happy, and full of life, on cloud nine.