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NEW DEVELOPMENTS IN DRUGS by HYWEL MOELWYN HUGHES

Britain is going to lead the world in a dramatic new initiative in medication. Research has shown that some people in psychiatric hospitals are reluctant to take medication. But they will smoke just about anything wrapped up in paper. So pills and liquid cosh syrups will be gradually phased out and replaced with "jazz fags" loaded with medicine. Regular anti-depressants and anti-psychotics will be prescribed in packets of 10 hand rolled "reefer," Valium will be prescribed in packets of 250. The liquid cosh will be replaced by a "Saturday night special," which is a mixture of diazepam, chlorpromazine and horse tranquilliser. Patients are advised not to operate machinery, walk down stairs or try to open a door and walk through it whilst on this medication.

The pharmaceutical giant that manufactures these drugs has recently taken on new staff. Three long term unemployed have been headhunted and put to work making the new "psychospliffs," as everybody else who tried could not make them properly. Early efforts kept falling apart in the middle or burning down one side only. One of these new pyronarcotic technicians, a man, 37, who agreed to be interviewed said, "It is the first proper job I have had since being thrown out of school when l was 12." I am a fully trained and qualified Royal Wedding souvenir program seller but there is just not the work out there - this is a great opportunity for me."

So the days of smoking dog ends that you found on the toilet floor are gone. No more rooting through ashtrays and bins looking for enough tobacco to make a roll up. Another great piece of news is these new medications have not been tested on animals.